happenings

meh

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:38:46 GMT

the mad men theme is a version of "autumn leaves". if i think about the chords, they make sense.

san francisco was making me think of new york in some cold grey ways today.

i made a pizza with a cornmeal crust, but the cornmeal tasted horrible. it may have been expired.
either way, i think the next time i make pizza, i'll have someone else make the base.

the guys are outside playing street fighter

my brain feels fried.

life is a comedy

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 09:48:29 GMT

watching cameron diaz on inside the actor's studio - gooftastic, insightful, beautiful, human
grabbing a spontaneous lunch with a friend - we all run late and arrive at the same time

cold day
very cold day

but it's warm inside

yes, i'm distracted, but i'm watching tv! (forgive me)

sponteneous weekend trip to san diego? let's think about this.

to be or not to be

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:26:40 GMT

The goal of the moment is not to get sick. It's been rather chilly in the apartment in the morning, and I didn't really want to get up -- but Jason needs a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and while he doesn't mandate that I make it for him, needing to make it is what gets me up. So badabing, badaboom, badabang.

I've managed to cook more at home over the past couple of days. Hopefully I can keep it up. Aside from going out for coffee with a friend, I can spend the rest of the expenses on cooking at home. I can easily make coffee at home as well, but I find that if I don't go out at all during the day, it makes me a very pissy and vile person to be around. It also makes me want to leave America, stat.

I've come to the conclusion that wanting to go back to Asia has more to do with my feeling unsatisfied, more than anything. I occasionally think about living in New York, but I also remember the last time I was there it really dawned on me that I wasn't really doing anything different. San Francisco has been feeling rather cool to live in, currently. Maybe because I feel like I have a good set of friends and company. The abode is admittedly quite cramped, but for now it will do. We play musical chairs constantly, but I'm sure if we were to move elsewhere right now, there would be something else amiss. I've still got to find something decent for a job -- although today's audition was for a paid-gig. That's all I'm applying for these days. I can't afford to go out for free anymore. I think I'm just trying to be more honest in my work -- acting, writing, everything. I used to stress out trying to make myself fit certain conditions, and in the end it would feel to no avail. Currently, it's been more about just feeling "enough" and tuning in to how I'm really feeling in the given space and time. It's quite hard on my part. I think I live a dishonest life often, and it's not because I'm always conscious of it, either.

I've taken to watching actors on James Lipton's Inside The Actor's Studio, maybe because I find what they have to say insightful and poignant and amusing. Last night I caught Drew Barrymore and Christopher Walken, and today as I was going to the audition, I kept thinking about Drew's words and how it's a scary and awful process (auditioning), but how necessary it is to put yourself out there. I'm admittedly not always the best auditionee, but auditions are essentially job interviews, and nailing one feels pretty crucial these days -- although I'm essentially going to out for whatever paid gigs strike my fancy and hopefully be able to sustain some sort of survivable lifestyle. Isn't that we're all doing, anyway?

classical works and (anti) water works

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 09:20:33 GMT

I went out and got a piano book today from Borders. It's got mostly classical stuff from Mozart and Bach and Beethoven, but trying to figure out the music is something soothing. I could have gotten a book featuring the top 100 songs of Rock and Pop, but something about piano makes me want to go back to the old classical stuff. Not that playing showtunes isn't entertaining (because it is).

I got an idea for a bikini that could be fun to knit, so I started looking up water-proof yarns. I never in my life thought I'd ever be the the sort of person who'd a) wear a bikini, or b) consider knitting one, but that goes to show how people change and adapt, I suppose. I've got to finish my current knitting projects of a multi-patterned scarf and a cropped coat before I'll get onto the swimwear side of things -- but I never made it to the yarn store anyway. Also, it appears that the one kind of yarn I found that -was- considered waterproof is now discontinued by the manufacturer. So I wonder if I'll be able to find anything that's suitable. It may not be necessary that the fibers repel water, but the idea of using such textiles sounds so cool. Textiles is another subject I thought I'd never truly appreciate either (being the first class I took in undergrad), but these days I eat my words.

room of requirement

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 08:00:21 GMT

I haven't really felt much like doing the things I'm "supposed" to be doing tonight. It's the odd feeling at times of sitting in one place and hearing all the silence swell up into a kind of deafening noise and wonder, okay, what is it that I really feel the need to do? There are certainly things I feel like I should be doing -- but I guess recently I've been working on more on trying to tune in and see what it is that in my gut I react to, or feel. Living in the moment, I guess. I feel often I don't do it enough, or know what it is that I feel. It's overthinking and oblivion all at once. And it's odd.

Thus, I've spent the evening re-reading the sixth Harry Potter book and finding it rather talky. (We rewatched the film a couple of nights ago on Blu-Ray -- it was gorgeous.) Earlier, we grabbed brunch in the Mission and then later I meandered towards downtown to find some piano sheet music. I didn't find what I was looking for, although the shopkeeper was very cheery. Now I'll know where to go should I ever want to find scores and Broadway showtunes.

I found myself at the library during the last couple minutes before they closed for the evening -- among some noteworthy finds, I found a children's book called Tea With Milk by Allen Say, the same illustrator from How My Parents Learned To Eat. It reminded me of The Good Daughter. In a good way. And it's giving me ideas of a children's book I want to work on. See, 2010 is already feeling productive. I just don't feel uberly so, today, specifically. But that's okay.

lie awake

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 09:51:36 GMT

with Helga

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that something feels different about this year -- maybe it's the sense of anticipation, or excitement. I don't know what it is. I just have a feeling that a lot of productive things are going to happen. I feel it in myself. It could be the looming sense of freedom following this (hopefully) last bit of thing I have to do in order to obtain my degree. It could be any number of things. It's probably better now knowing.

My second journal entry of the year and already I'm a couple hours late. Typical of me, I guess. I'm convinced my body clock runs on even later time than California time, wherever that is.

I revisited some songs from my first solo album. It's been about 10 years now -- and oddly enough, singing those songs, I felt different but the same. It felt nice to revisit those songs. I'm tempted to do new versions of them -- or perhaps see if I'm finally able to get them to sound the way I originally envisioned them, and then build off it. We'll see. Some of the motivation behind some of those songs has changed -- but it's surprising how they hold up. I still think some of it is good pop music, although much twangier and pure pop. I think nowadays I tend to linger more melodic/experimental and new age. It's funny because back then I think I was freer and more contained at the same time. I'm tempted to revisit that music, play music and play with the music without trying to be anything except honest. Let it be what it'll become.

straw into gold

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 07:59:13 GMT

Jason bought me a keyboard today, a supposed-to-be-99-dollars-but-it-was-incorrectly-marked-so-we-only-paid-79-dollars affair, that will no doubt appease me of my musical cravings for a long while. Or so I hope. It is a belated Christmas present from him to me, and after typing this entry, I will hopefully be able to knock around a couple of tunes or so. I am quite excited to be able to have a keyboard again. He is a dear man-child, he is.

...

I am listening through the old demo versions of "Rumpelstiltskin", a collaboration off my last album. It's interesting listening to the original version, the middle version, and the final version that made it to the album. There were things in the original that never made it -- an ending that was a pure tribute to Bjork, ambient bird trills and such that were very anti-pop song, but alas they didn't make it. Listening to the second version, it's interesting to note how simple and sparse it sounds without the harmonies in. I think I have a tendency of overdoing harmonies. This happened when recording the theme music to The Good Daughter, and I'm sure it is likely to happen again the future. But it's a growing process. I like having a lot of frou frou before simplifying.

...

We drove to Fisherman's Wharf today because there was a breakfast place I wanted to try. There were way too many tourists and it started to drizzle, so we found no parking and Jason was being angry-pissed-off driver. Thus, we headed over to the mission and went to Ti Couz. The crepes were delish and by the end of it, I was cheerier than when Jason started cussing at incompetent pedestrians.

After going to guitar centre, we ended up at home, and we did a spontaneous photo shoot.

I think I am going to try to do a couple of things on a daily basis (again-ish) this year:

* journal
* take a daily photo
* cook (if I'm at home)
* practice music

this on top of my usual mad miscellany. two minutes to midnight! let's upload!

nye 2010

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 04:51:44 GMT

resolutions (so far)

* learn how to drive / get driver's license
* finish website / organize online store (etsy, cdbaby, et. al)
* find a job that allows me to be more financially independent
* exercise more often, idealistically on a daily basis
* eat healthier / cook more

luxuries

* visit singapore/new york/davis/la/taiwan to visit family/friends/old acquaintances

more to come. most likely.

you make it all worthwhile

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:13:44 GMT

After yesterday's emotional shitfuck fest, I woke up feeling quite physically wretched -- but a positive double-screening of The Good Daughter at my professor's classes proved motivating and uplifting. The review board initially made me feel a lot of doubt about my film, but sitting through two more audiences helped shed the initial blow. I'm beginning to pick up things that most people like in general and problem areas that definitely need fixing. My professor also made a comment which I thought was especially poignant, which was along the lines of, "make your work the best that you can, don't settle." Jason has been saying the same thing, but I think I needed to hear it from someone else to not feel so unnecessarily burdened about the whole thing.

We went to see Up In The Air after dinner, which I enjoyed -- although I definitely left the theatre feeling unsettled. I've come to the point in my screenwriting training now where I can predict certain turns -- which feels sort of cool. Not that the whole construct of telling a story falls apart, but it's being able to notice the nuances, or why specific events are there. It's akin to using a chord progression or a specific rhythm, or choosing a specific pattern or brushstroke. I like being able to notice that stuff because it makes me feel as though I'm understanding the craft more.

I also started reading David Mamet again, and of course, reading his words reminded me of acting class and also reignited the old desire to go to New York. I don't know if New York is a pipe dream, but I do know I should figure out where my niche is, as a creative person. If not New York, then Vancouver and of course LA come up in conversation. And there's Asia, which at times, feels like a whole 'nother beast.

To be honest, I'm trying not to overthink it, because clearly I do that, anyway. What's been nice so far about today is that I woke up feeling, "alright, let's do something." It's so much better than feeling, "Now what?" For realz. Hands down.

split second moment pang of ____

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:09:07 GMT

am i living a lie
am i doubting myself
what am i supposed to be
where am i supposed to go
what am i supposed to do
what do i want to do

am i over thinking
am i over doing
am i under doing
am i un raveling
am i undertaking.....something i don't know what i'm undertaking

oy

can't breathe
can't comminicate
wanna yell
wanna scream
wanna run out into a big bright open field and sway and dance and breathe and not feel so fucking clustrophobic tied down suffocated
dont' wanna be kissed
don't wanna be fucked

ah

agony

just

want

peace

clarity
happinesss

the fucking horse and trolley

kitchen sink.

soundless

retro synths evolution

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:17:54 GMT

Eurythmics vs. Bronski Beat vs Kylie Minogue vs September vs Lady Gaga

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) / Eurythmics (1983)

Smalltown Boy / Bronski Beat (1984)

Kylie Minogue - Can't get ...
Uploaded by julia.

Can't Get You Out Of My Head / Kylie Minogue (2001)

Cry For You / September (2007) (sampled Bronski Beat)

I like It Rough / Lady Gaga (2008)

mis on scene

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:12:49 GMT

1:02 pm and I'm still in my PJs. Worse things have happened, I'm sure.

People who make a living off of being bloggers somewhat fascinates me. But maybe being a writer (film, critic, reporter, etc.) is no different.

It feels like I'm perpetually going to have a sink full of dirty dishes.

I need to buy more cream for coffee.

go go gadget go go

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:30:46 GMT

this sample coffee from seattle roast makes me want to end everything with an exclamation point. yes!

agreed.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:55:08 GMT

"I can live with Ben working crazy hours. But I can’t live without girlfriends around to talk about men with! . . . It’s fine if he’s not there; I just need someone to bitch about it to!" -- Jennifer Garner.

a feather at a time

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:21:23 GMT

Oh god I just found out i can hand in everything on MONDAY instead of Tomorrow because of Thanksgiving that makes me SO THANKFUL you can't even imagine

it's been a stressful couple of nights of barely sleeping. i was over at jack's for 12 hours yesterday while we were tweaking the sound mix, but it's looking and sounding really good

this film looks and feels like a movie -- there are going to be some bits that need some more tweaking, but for the review, it'll be more than fine. now to get book things together.

all this would be impossible without you

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:26:44 GMT

it's been a weekend full of recording music and sound design for The Good Daughter. After putting in about 5ish hours yesterday with Tonio and Jack, today was another 5-6 hour session tweaking vocals and figuring out where to accent moments. Jason picked me up thoroughly exhausted, and it's only just about now (late late dinner and a cup of coffee later) I feel ready to attack more work. There are so many people putting in their blood, sweat, tears and time for this project that it amazes me. As a screenwriting major, putting together a project is very solitary, but for The Good Daughter, there are a whole number of people who are apart of this. It makes me feel very grateful and appreciated. I only hope the project will open more doors for everyone. It definitely feels like a nice graduation from The Child, although at times I feel so closely intertwined with this project that I can't be thoroughly objective about it.

Jason is finishing color correction as I speak -- then it'll be time to lay back everything back onto the timeline and finish the placement and translation of subtitles. Hopefully I can get my book together tonight as well and then send it in for printing Tuesday evening latest. I feel so strange to be at this part of the production, the final home stretch. I have to admit a part of me definitely wants to hole up and hibernate after this, but I'm excited to start new projects too. Music, for one. And I gotta get back on producing Jason's film. It's kind of hard to do it properly when all this final review stuff is swimming around my head. Feels slightly mayjah if I do say so myself.

But god, what a difference it is to be able to record something and have it sound technically awesome. I'm really not used to that.

New York, I miss you. Childhood, I miss you too. Feeling older and younger at the same time. Can't wait to have a proper piano/keyboard. It's not something a tin flute can suffice.

breathe er

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:55:48 GMT

happy things:

- being only 5 minutes late when meeting my brother (as opposed to the usual 30.)
- actually, i overslept, but being that i was able to get up and get out the door and feel somewhat presentable was a good accomplishment (i've been severely lagging in this area for WEEKS now)

- finding that $3 will buy you 8 decent sized veggie-pork buns in chinatown (yes!)
- and there's also a store that sells kaya. oh, gloriosity! and yakult. didn't buy any, but the fact that I can get a decent set of groceries for a couple of days for under $20 cheers me up. (sick of ramen, bleh)

- my computer harddrive has been retrieved and replaced. this has added to my low funds, but at least (hopefully), some things i'll be able to get back? (i'd been counting on none.) lesson: back-up, kids. like, NOW. and not just half of it, ALL OF IT.

- i've taken a pair of jason's ripped jeans that he can no longer wear, and have started making a patchwork jean skirt/dress. the sewing calms me, though i'm not a virtuoso and i have enough to do. but cleaning and sewing helps motivate me to get all of this done. aiming to get everything done by Tuesday so i can hand it in on Thursday without any hiccups (fingers crossed).

things i'd like to start doing (again):

- rock climbing. i found myself belaying myself on the closet walls (somewhat foolishly) while cleaning out some rather large boxes. i miss climbing. wistfully.

- practice chinese. i think this feeds with possibly wanting to spend some years in china/taiwan/singapore. if a good job is available there that i wouldn't absolutely flounder at would be cool. i feel like my chinese is dwindling, despite the use of it in this film.

yup yup. will add more as i think them up.

back to work!

cresh end do

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:54:06 GMT

Jason got Up on blu-ray, and while he fell asleep, I sat through the whole film, more tuned in to the music than the past couple times of watching. Having piano solely to elevate a scene is simple, straight forward and beautiful. I'm not sure if that's what The Good Daughter needs, but I do know that having me sing *might* be overkill. I'm already all over this film, literally. Not that *I'm* over it, but sometimes I wonder if doing so much of everything is unnecessary. At this point though, I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

My brother kindly reminded me that I have 13 days left before I'm supposed to hand everything in. It's slightly unnerving, and I have a feeling I'm going to be quite sleep deprived on Thanksgiving, but hopefully all of it will be worth it.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:45:16 GMT

i gotta get out of this apartment today. like, stat.

turnip catnip

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:56:14 GMT

the more i look at the amount of work i have to do, the more it feels like it multiplies. surely, it isn't, but it feels that way. i feel this, in return, has been making me more tired and ornery around jason. inevitably, i'm sure. it's hard not to feel stressed out when i feel the looming brunt of student loans on top of the pressure to graduate without a hitch. but this is normal life for most people. what's the big deal?

i admit sometimes i wish i could just fast forward through all of this, but it's not the ideal thing to do. it's probably better to just tackle things bit by bit as they come and to really enjoy myself in it. it feels hard to, sometimes. i wish i were more happy-go-lucky. i do believe i'm giving myself another stress rash with all this pressure (knock on wood). hopefully not. i gotta focus. bird by bird, woman. come on, now...

palpable.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:12:39 GMT

Someday I'd like
a day to myself
where i'm not wondering
if i love you
any less
you say what's with
all the second guess
-ing and i say i don't know i dont' know i dont' know

you ask, "am i so horrible?"
a mask for the unloveable
my moods they'll fluctuate before they will give
oh, hearts should beat unstoppable
but emotions oh so palpable
oh wicked thoughts how can i forgive

someday i'd like
to join you withal
and together we will
solve the riddle
of wondering what it means to be free

i'll kiss you hold you have you near
and together it will all be clear
what it means and what not it means
to stay

feel it

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 09:24:16 GMT

god it feels so good to get back into music. i went into a toy store and bought a 23-keys keyboard for 3 year olds for $10 and a tin whistle for $5. so far, i can only squeak out "twinkle twinkle little star" on the whistle and sound one hand solo mod simplistic on the keys, but it's a start and i'm excited. i am muy rusty ze guitar, but i played with tone and vocal harmonics and did some basic recording for some ideas. it's a start. i think catching "this is it" with my brother helped, though it made me kind of sad at moments. that MJ collage i started months ago still isn't done. i ought to finish it and i will, but it's a process, along with everything else.

life is very full, but i'm in a good place and i feel love and (slightly) more comfortable in my skin. poor, but hopeful and creative. and possibly quite sleep-deprived and in between haircuts. but this is much better than feeling blue. gotta focus on the work. yes.

overheard and outspoken

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:21:33 GMT

quotes of the evening:

"i have a tendency of breaking up with guys on my birthday. so with this one guy, i waited a whole three days AFTER my birthday before i broke up with him!"
"well, it's not your birthday anymore, so we're safe!"

...

"and you can't tell them that they don't know what they don't know that they don't know."
"...right?"

press sure

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:27:59 GMT

i had a dream last night that i was screening The Good Daughter for classmates, only it was a very rough assembly edit assembled the first day of shooting, so halfway through the film turned into a german art film or something a la hedwig and the angry inch. pithy clapping ensued.

i believe this is my brain telling me to get a move on things. november is almost here. yikes!

bird by bird

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:56:50 GMT

via my mom:

my father, watching the Golden Horse awards on TV, turns to my mom and says, "i wish julie would hurry up and graduate" and then, without taking a breath, says, "i wonder when she's going to win one of these and be the next ang lee."

oh the irony. i gotta focus on the work first! and i'm not sure if i want to be the next anybody, but the sentiment, coming from my father, means a lot.

<3